Last week, a man who had been sprayed by a skunk minutes before his arrival walked into my store looking to exchange a pair of pants. He looked to be confused and in a hurry; confused middle aged men are typically my targets on the retail sales floor and so I approached him as though I was his guardian angel ready to take him out of his misery. His face instantly softened as I asked him how I could help. He tossed a bag into my chest and told me he had grabbed the wrong size the other day and needed a 34” by 30” pair of olive green pants. “No worries my friend, I’ll get this sorted for you right now!”
As I began looking for the new pants, I noticed a rancid and pungent smell filling the room. It seemed to follow me as I moved around the pant section. I lifted the bag to my nose and was met with the sharp and unmatched stench of a skunk. This was certainly a new situation for me. A customer who wreaked of a skunk was not apart of my deescalation training. I decided to wing it.
“Sir….Did you by any chance have an interaction with a skunk today?” It was the best way I could ask such a strange question in that moment. He looked shocked at first, but then he explained. “OH yeah there was one of those lil’ buggers runnin’ ‘round my garage this morning I just poured some bleach on the ground after he left I figured that would do the trick.”
Lord, give me the strength. “I am going to be totally honest with you sir, I am afraid you were sprayed by that skunk and bleach is not going to do the trick. You happen to be filling the room with the smell as we speak. I am going to exchange these pants and get you a replacement pair for your currently bleached ones but I need you to wait at the door.”
“OH SHIT! It’s really that bad eh? I had no idea! Oh man, what am I going to do?”
I have wondered to this day why that mans first thought after being sprayed by a skunk was that he desperately needed to come into our store and exchange the pants he’d bought the day prior. Why he did not realize he was covered head to toe in an odour so strong that other customers were forced to plug their noses, I will never understand. I quickly exchanged and purchased his new pants with his credit card and met him at the door.
“Listen miss, my wife is away right now. I have no idea how to handle this. What do I need to do to get rid of this smell?”
About 40 years his junior, I stood outside for 5 minutes coaching a grown man through the process of de-skunking himself and why bleach is not a sufficient solution in the event this happens to him again.
As I said, confused middle aged men are typically my forte. I can see them coming before they’ve even stepped through the doors. I know how to make them feel like I’ve just saved them from the dreadful task of shopping for their wives. I know how to convince them they should buy two of everything because a happy wife is a happy life. I can get them into this state of serenity that by the time they get to the cash register they don’t even realize they’ve dropped hundreds of dollars and I’ve hit my quota for the hour. Confused middle aged men just love to tap their cards for a young girl with a nice smile.
Having to life coach a confused middle aged men is completely out of my jurisdiction. I fear for the confused middle aged men community during times like these. This poor man was abandoned by his estranged wife who never taught him what to do in the event he is sprayed by a skunk and now he has to figure it out for himself! How terrible is that?!
Google wasn’t even a question for this one. No no…I’ll go to Lululemon where a young 23 year old girl will give me the answers. Oh to be inside the brain of a man dependent on his wife.
I actually got to see the man again a few days later when he came in to pick up a hemming order. I purposefully reintroduced myself and asked how he got on with his biohazardous clean up. He looked embarrassed and quickly changed the topic on to how I could help him find a new coat. I was immediately placed back into the role of his assistant. He couldn’t dare thank me for seconding as his wife for the few minutes he was left abandoned and helpless. He couldn’t dare admit he had caused us a tragedy not 2 days prior because of his complete and utter lack of awareness. He has no idea we had to air the store out for hours, blasting fans and bringing in scented diffusers for backup. Deluded, confused, middle aged man. Who goes shopping right after they get sprayed by a skunk?!?!?!?!
Sure, this was the first time I was met with a confused middle aged man unintentionally wreaking smelly havoc in the store; however, the confused middle aged men never fail to amaze me on a daily basis. As hilarious as they can be, I hope we can all send positive thoughts and good vibes to the confused and dependent men who really need our thoughts and prayers more than anything right now. May they find individuality, confidence and Google in their lives.